8 years and a past...
Ok I decided to write a little background so some folks can learn a bit more about myself. I had a girlfriend who I was with for 8 years before I met P. The relationship was filled with my negative life and her trying to push me to be more of what she needed in life. Although the breakup was very messy. I just hoped she'd be able to find what she needs in life. But it seems she's hellbent on seeing me as unhappy as she is. I am honest with myself when I say I do care for her still, but I know I can't be with her anymore.
We both wanted so much from each other. She wanted someone to take care of her in all ways and aspects. And I wanted someone to hold and love me. We didn't see things that way. Materialistic and needy as she was I couldn't be the man she wanted of me. I was very simplistic and couldn't make the leaps and bounds she required. I wasn't lazy or anything, it's just I'm not used to such high maintanence. I tried to work best I could but was always "half-assed" in her eyes. It boiled down to me realizing I couldn't be what she wanted me to be and I knew she could be a soft cuddly woman. So in the end I sort of let things just fall where they did.
From my eyes she seemed happy with her new found "love" on-line, and as supportive as I was of her and him. I just couldn't stick to that routine of our lives. I just felt nothing I ever did would please her. She speaks of me owing her a huge debt for the 8 years of pain I've caused. I can only wish she has a better life now without me. I can only say I'm sorry so many times before the meaning is lost in the sea of troubled pasts. I can't repay her but I can pray for the best for her. I can't change the past. But I can learn from it and try my best to move on.
Word of the day: saddened
Spending time with P has really opened my eyes. It's not a matter of my change of life. But a matter of perspective through which I can look at myself and deal with who I am and was all at once. One step at a time.
2 Comments:
Materialistic and needy????
hahahaha
Now for the other half of the story. There was a naive girl that spent most of her time and years with a young man, whom she was completely devoted to. Even though he betrayed her with various women time and time again - she forgave him. He blamed her for all his problems - his lack of employment, his lack of focus in life. Yet she stood by him through thick and thin - feeding him, clothing him and sharing all that she had with him. All she really requested was time and love and consideration - of which he always seemed to lack. Little did he know that what he had in that girl, that would have done anything for him. In time she grew tired of being unappreciated and started to lash out at him. Her tears and angry shouts and pleading only fell on deaf ears. In the end - all she had to show for those 8 years were two abortions and stolen innocence and a broken heart. Though she did get a trip to Spain out of it - I guess she should count her blessings.
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