Faith and knowledge...

It's another bright sunny morning. Awoke next to happiness. Another dream of the future or at least what I'd like it to be. Headaches are gone, but work was horrific in terms of crazy bombardment. Ever have 1 thing to do and you end up hold up the whole office doing everything while trying to get that 1 thing done? Something like that.

Word of the day: calm

I've gotten some replies to my inquiries for job postings at Harvard. Most don't start till late august or early September. Either way it's something to look forward too. Family and P are extremely supportive. Three departments have shown interest so far:
1. Research- lab and administrative staff are needed,

2. IS- information systems; basically your normally geeky computer guy,

3. Administration- Office work a go-go. (I'm used to this one most of all, so it would work out)

Building up a machine for P's roomie. It's a win win deal for the both of us. He gets a badly needed upgrade and I can finally pick up a better card for meself. Also got a minor job as a web master for a small organization. It's something to add to my resume when the time to update it comes.

Another day is here. On my way to the grind after my morning smooch from me sweetness.

The pain...

I spend most of Sunday in the hospital. Due to a massive Migrane that causes lack of vision and slurred speech. Mother commented on a stroke due to the symptoms, but Doc new best. P and mother were very supportive and stood by me most of the day. Came home with some instructions to rest and take some meds for it. I'm taking today to relax and read up on my books. P has never once left my side and has done so much for me. My heart can never repay her kindness or support throughout my ordeal.

Fustration and fear struck me as my vision went awry and my speech failed me. Slurred with my mouth speaking words my mind didn't think. Numbness in my right hand and a near complete loss of energy within 10 minutes. The Doctors were very helpful.

Word of the day: resting

P has been the world to me. If all goes as this well and continues as such, who knows, what we can accomplish together. I can only thank her and do my best to make her happy and repay her kindness.

It may look gray...

...but there isn't a cloud in the sky.

Least that's how I feel today. Finally got my damned $ from a number of weeks ago. Finally I can eat and repay a few minor debts I racked up. Going to make P some dinner this weekend. Finally someone to cook for! Least I know my talents weren't wasting away on some mental shelf.

Helped P move a number of items into her place. Bigger bed, nicer desk and a cool shelf deal. She got it at a steels bargain. That's my thrifty woman! It was a fun afternoon with P and her roomie. We all celebrated the heavy lifting with a trip to Friendly's. Needless to say it was well deserved and fun was had by all.

Word of the day: mellow

I woke up in another daze for some reason. The bed was clung to me like some needy child. Or is it the other way around?? Hehehe. Anyways... I'm not too stressed over finding a new job. It's only a matter of time before I land what I want. I'll keep pushing and it will find me. Harvard University has responded to a number of my job quarries and I hope at least one of them will pan out. With a few fingers crossed and a touch of hope I'll be working there by summer's end.

8 years and a past...

Ok I decided to write a little background so some folks can learn a bit more about myself. I had a girlfriend who I was with for 8 years before I met P. The relationship was filled with my negative life and her trying to push me to be more of what she needed in life. Although the breakup was very messy. I just hoped she'd be able to find what she needs in life. But it seems she's hellbent on seeing me as unhappy as she is. I am honest with myself when I say I do care for her still, but I know I can't be with her anymore.

We both wanted so much from each other. She wanted someone to take care of her in all ways and aspects. And I wanted someone to hold and love me. We didn't see things that way. Materialistic and needy as she was I couldn't be the man she wanted of me. I was very simplistic and couldn't make the leaps and bounds she required. I wasn't lazy or anything, it's just I'm not used to such high maintanence. I tried to work best I could but was always "half-assed" in her eyes. It boiled down to me realizing I couldn't be what she wanted me to be and I knew she could be a soft cuddly woman. So in the end I sort of let things just fall where they did.

From my eyes she seemed happy with her new found "love" on-line, and as supportive as I was of her and him. I just couldn't stick to that routine of our lives. I just felt nothing I ever did would please her. She speaks of me owing her a huge debt for the 8 years of pain I've caused. I can only wish she has a better life now without me. I can only say I'm sorry so many times before the meaning is lost in the sea of troubled pasts. I can't repay her but I can pray for the best for her. I can't change the past. But I can learn from it and try my best to move on.

Word of the day: saddened

Spending time with P has really opened my eyes. It's not a matter of my change of life. But a matter of perspective through which I can look at myself and deal with who I am and was all at once. One step at a time.

The sun and moon...

Woke up in a mild daze and figured I had slept enough. Spend Saturday with P. From the lunch buffet at Rangoli to an embarrassing mess of childhood booboos sprawled out from mother about myself. Red was my color and I didn't get much sun! Rented and watch part of the family guy DVD we picked up. I think P's hooked! Next is Married with Children!! It'll be fun, mildly corrupting her thoughts, on life. TV helped shape me why couldn't it work for her?? HeeHee.

Word of the day: rested

Got a drive in me I can't explain. Pushing as best I can without crashing to reach my wants and needs. My old friend Brian has pointed me in a direction for better employment. I will seek out these offers and pick a place for myself. With the idea of free schooling as well as making $ at the same place. Who can go wrong. Granted I'll admit it'll take a touch longer to get my goals accomplished but I think in the long run I'll be better off.

I always feel well rest when I've curled up and rested with P. Something about the 2 of us together brings out the best in both of us. Happiness is naturally obtained when we're together. It's almost like we don't have to try. Pure open communication on everything is best. Mother has taken a liking to her very quickly and all my family accepts her as their own sibling or daughter. Friends are all too pleased to see me happy. Perhaps things have a way of balancing out.

A cluttered mind and a yawn...

Woke up today with a smile on my face and warmth next to me. My brain keeps running down the street with ideas. School, work and where I'd like to be in the next 5 years. P has been very helpful in getting my ambitions flared up and burning full time. I feel I owe her a bit of graditude. But she'll except my warm heart instead. I'm a littel tired today. I'm not to sure why. I think tonight I might call it an early night. Maybe P can help lull me into a catatonic state since I don't have to work tomorrow. State workers day off cuz the old President passed away. RIP Reagan. I hope to see P tonight for a relaxing chat.

Mom update:

Feeling better to some degree. Walking about and slowly getting back to her normal pace. Me aunt and I are working on a plan to get her to quit the smoking. Maybe that way it'll help keep her with us for a longer time.

Word of the day: life

I want all my life to change tomorrow. But I'd loose out on the experience of it all. My mind rushing with a need to change and succeed. My heart growing fonder of P every day. My soul opening up a bit at a time to allow life to take a grip of me and show me how things are done.

Reading: The Book by Alan Watts

Co-worker offered the read to me as a sort of insite to how we all tick. "On the taboo against knowing who you are" It says on the cover. Makes for an interesting read I'm sure. I'll post as I go along.

A day of waiting...

I spent the day inthe hospital with mom. Her surgery went well and spent a lot of time with me God-Mother. We caught up in terms of life. Since she moved a bit of a peice away contact hasn't been frequent as it used to be. All things considering mother is recouping slowly and painfully in a small room. I will pick her up, if all things go well, in the morning and bring her home.

Seems like I've always been waiting for things in life. So much time goes by with me sitting somewhere watching life flow by me. Seems like I can only stop time for myself. As the rest of the world moves on. It's my nature to wait for things though. Ambition is one thing, but having to wait is another. "The best things come to those who wait" seems cliche' but it seems to fit at this point. As for life? Well I'm pushing through best I can making plans and completing them best I can.

Word of the day: tired

I had a dream last night. A repeat dream where life was a haze and all I saw was the back of her head. Scared and happy I walked up to her and stroked her hair. But as we went to kiss I closed my eyes. Her face never seen. For I always wake up when the kiss is done. Never able to open my eyes. I might be able to tell who it is if this one dream were in color. But it's the only dream I've ever had in Black and White. I'm not sure of the meaning. Perhaps it's some sort of sign or something. I'll try not to dwell upon such things for they may let my head ramble on some imaginary tangent and betray me like it's done in the past.

P update: Things seem to be panning out and life finding a more solid grib between the both of us. Seperate lives but equal together. I strive to allow the best happen as it can. Seems the best course of action is doing nothing at all.

Heard in the wind...

P and I received apologies for an unfair display of anger from my EX GF. This came as a major shock and understanding to myself. Although our breakup was less than amicable and the end did burn each of us out. I find my heart does have a place for her after these past 8 years. I cannot forget but I can strive to move on.

P has been the greatest influence for me. So connected yet separate all at once. A strong friendship and honesty control our minds as we let our hearts play. Perhaps it's a good thing I can be so open with P. Change is coming I can see it plain as day. A great thing in the wind blowing toward me.

Word of the day: conclusion

Meet the parents:

A good movie, but tonight it's perhaps part of life. P shall meet my parental units this evening if the plan stays as it is. This shall be a test for both of us to some degree. It should all go very well and smooth. Smiles on the horizon.

the weekend and dream...

I spent the long weekend with P. It was something out of a novel. Spending time and just being together. Museum of Science was a fun trip. Einstien was a crazy guy. Took P out for her first taste of Good Indian Food. I think she liked it. But she got a cold and I am here doing my best to keep her well. Juice and other items help. But a loving hand works best if you ask me.

Word of the day: morning

Seems the days float by and it's a never ending race to see what's next. I know a snails pace should be called for but it doesn't feel right. Perhaps a minor relaxation period is in order. Just to exist is fine for us both. The EX has a way of milking her pain and needs for last angered words towards me. Grant we were never married but it felt that way at times.

I'm just glad P could see through her anger driven bombardment of me and what I have done. I'm also proud of my truely honest nature behind everything I do and say to P. I'm sure it means a lot to her and to myself. We will all be happy inthe long run I'm sure.